


Reality

by pukefiend



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Other, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 20:18:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10498728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pukefiend/pseuds/pukefiend
Summary: In which Josh thinks too much.





	

Jenna is blonde and pretty and all-American like apple pie. Josh imagines that her kisses taste like apple pie. He allows himself, for just a moment, to imagine Tyler kissing her and tasting apple pie. He forces himself out of that fantasy quickly, before the image becomes too clear, before he can see the pinkness in Tyler’s lips.

He throws his left hand outward and it smacks into the wall with enough force to hurt. He doesn’t try to soothe the pain away, instead just letting his hand rest on the wall and letting the throbbing pulse up his arm. He vaguely decides that he deserves it for thinking about Tyler and his wife. 

Most of him knows Tyler loves Jenna very much. He’s seen them together, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes like they hold the sunset and saying things so quietly to each other that he can’t hear. They’re keeping secrets from him, he thinks. But that’s reality; husbands and wives share secrets that best friends or bandmates never will. 

Part of Josh wants to think they don’t. But that’s cruel. He tells himself that it’s not that he doesn’t want them to love each other, he just wants them to love each other platonically and not romantically. But that’s not true. He wants Tyler to just love _him_ , and he wants to never so much as _hear_ about Jenna ever again. 

And Josh knows how awful that is to think. He wants Tyler to be happy, and if Jenna makes him happy, then that should be good enough. Josh has to assume that he’s either selfish or he doesn’t love Tyler truly and unconditionally. He thinks if his love for Tyler was pure, he’d be happy so long as Tyler was happy. But maybe it’s simpler, and maybe Josh is just really self-centered. 

Josh is jealous of Jenna, jealous of how easy her relationship with Tyler is. What gets him is how easily they can stand next to each other in public, wrap arms around waists, kiss each other’s noses. Josh has to face the reality that if, by some horrifying miracle, he and Tyler ever ended up together, they couldn’t have that. It would always be stolen kisses and staying up too late at night to give themselves time for intimacy. He knows he would hate it. He knows it would put a strain on their relationship. It wouldn’t be easy for him and Tyler like it is for Jenna and Tyler. 

Whenever he gets to thinking like this, usually with his head smashed into a hotel pillow and all the lights out and Tyler sleeping _right next to him_ , Josh feels horribly guilty. He deserves that dreadful guilty feeling, he thinks. He _should_ feel guilty, wishing awful things on his best friend’s relationship and pining after Tyler. There’s not much to be said on the matter; it’s awful and he feels guilty and rightfully so. 

Still, that doesn’t make him not hate the tightness in his chest as he presses his knuckles into the wall. 

He wants to hear Tyler’s sleepy voice, and he’s not sure where that desire comes from but he hates it. He’s not even sure if he can call out to Tyler without his voice cracking. Tyler is _right there_ , next to him on the bed, completely unaware of his thoughts. 

He can cover up his intentions, Josh decides. He decides to act as if he’s had a nightmare. It’s not really stretching the truth that much. This feels like a nightmare; he feels as if he _has_ just had a nightmare. So he breathes out heavily, rolls over, and gently shoves Tyler’s shoulder. 

“Tyler,” Josh says in a voice that doesn’t sound like his own. 

“Hmm?” Tyler grumbles groggily as he rubs at his eyes. 

“Tyler,” Josh repeats, even quieter than before. 

“Yeah? What...what do you need?” 

Tyler is drawing himself up a little bit, tugging the sheets over his body as he does.

“I...had a nightmare. I can’t get back to sleep,” Josh lies. His voice wavers, and he thinks that’s probably convincing.

“Aw hey…” 

Tyler sounds legitimately concerned for Josh, which is warming his heart. Josh feels manipulative, but he holds that down for a minute.

“You can tell me what it was, if you want?” Tyler suggests, sitting up on one elbow. 

“It’s nothing coherent, really…” Josh says, looking down at the bed.

“Well, okay. How about...I play with your hair. Would that help you sleep maybe?” Tyler says. 

Josh feels his heart leap at that idea, but he tempers his eagerness before he responds.

“Yeah, sure,” he replies, scooting closer to Tyler. Tyler drags him over so his neck rests on Tyler’s outstretched arm and Josh’s face is drawn into his chest. Josh doesn’t want to admit how much this feels like heaven. Tyler starts stroking his hand through Josh’s hair, and Josh tries to focus on that sensation and press away all the thoughts about Tyler and Jenna and stealing kisses and apple pie but then Tyler speaks again.

“Sometimes Jenna does this for me when I have a nightmare,” he says, and reality hits Josh and he lets out a sob into Tyler’s chest.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a spur of the moment piece, unplanned and unedited and especially odd since I've been in a real rut lately. So writing this was weird. It's also weird cause it feels like a vent piece, but it isn't. This is not _my_ reality, but I think I wanted to portray something realistic because fanfiction always lets me drift so far from reality. This was grounding.  
>  Thank you for reading! I really appreciate comments; tell me what you liked, tell me what I can improve on. I'd be very grateful!


End file.
